Deer and Hawk

Deer and Hawk

Adventures in curiosity

Starting a Self Care Journey

Growing up, I didn't have a good model for self-care. My father committed suicide. My single mother struggled with mental health issues and gave up on getting help. Despite this, I had a thread of self-care running through my life. As a young adult I sought therapy and continued it thoughout my life. When I was older I went to Al Anon meetings and found a psychiatrist. I did work on myself, and got help for mental health issues like my bipolar disorder. I have continually had to remind myself that it is essential to recognize even the small ways I do take care of myself and celebrate these.

But then a few years ago, I felt trapped. My career had stalled, and the pandemic had me stuck at home. I spent long hours in front of my computer, feeling disconnected from my goals and hobbies. My self-care dropped off—I wasn't eating well, exercising, or making time for myself.

Then, I became a parent. Adopting my son made me realize just how much free time I used to have! I loved most things about being a parent but now I was giving everything to parenting and work, and very little to myself. Even my normally good partnership with my wife was suffering. Eventually, this led to an existential crisis: What was I doing with my life? Was I on the right track? How could I keep this up?

I knew I had to change. The first big challenge was that I didn’t have “time” for anything. So I took a good look at how I was spending my time. I realized I was at my computer for twelve hours a day but only doing eight hours of real work. The rest was wasted on distractions and procrastination. I decided to focus. If I could get my work done efficiently, I could create time for myself.

I restructured my day. I started at 6:30 AM, focused intensely, and aimed to be done by 4 PM. I cut out unnecessary breaks, blocked out all my tasks on my calendar, and stuck to my schedule. It worked. My productivity actually improved, and I had time for myself before picking up my son from daycare.

With more structure to the day, I started meditating. I realized that I had a very different day when I meditated versus when I didn’t. So I started getting up even earlier, at 6 AM, to meditate in the morning and do some journaling (which also really helps). It opened up my day in new ways and I focused and almost always wrapped up work by 4 PM.

With this newfound time, I started reading about self-improvement and took on a new hobby: cooking. I started setting simple goals again and added a few new habits for health and organization. These small acts of self-care began to compound, leading to more positive changes in my life. Better health meant more energy to do things. Better organization meant less friction and spending less time to accomplish daily tasks. I had time to go for walks and spend more time with my wife. I found a therapist, a new doctor, and a personal trainer.

Self-care became the foundation for everything else. By taking care of myself, I could be a better parent, a better partner, a better worker, and a better version of myself. It seemed that making time for myself wasn't selfish; it was essential to be more present for the rest of my life. It also meant I was prepared when some very challenging things happened, like getting diagnosed with diabetes. I had the time and emotional energy to deal with it. That journey is one thing I want to share on my blog.

But the main take away is that if you start by making time for yourself then use that time to focus on small changes that reinforce each other. Those changes begin to compound, not just add up a little bit. The journey I am on now is like a whole different trajectory, not just the same orbit that took me through the same places, same feelings, same tasks day in and day out. Every day is something new.